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Thoughtful Thursday: What am I Doing?

March 9, 2017

Hello Lovelies,


I try to avoid sad posts. I really do. But it has been a rough year already, and we're still in the 1st quarter! I've just gone through my analytics and reporting and sales figures *crying* and I am left shaking my head, weary, and frustrated. 


I am left asking myself: What am I doing?  I have no clue. I sat through three seminars in the last couple of weeks to get more guidance, and I probably could have taught them. Walked away with no new nugget to try, nothing to gain. And yet, despite knowing all of the information, my analytics still suck, my books aren't selling, and I won't be able to buy the new washer we have needed for over 6 months now. 


Combine that depressing reality with the fact that several of the groups I have joined for author support have been delving into the tough questions of what authors are making, and my plan for how to finally make decent money this year has pretty much flown out the window. 


I work 80 hours a week, slogging through all the things I'm supposed to do, and never have time to just write happily. That part that I love, that passion that makes me excited. The story that weaves itself deep into my subconscious and demands to be told, to be shared. I want to just sit and write all day, every day. I want to escape into the worlds that my stories weave. 


I want to share those strange, scary, exciting, thought-provoking stories with the world. 


I need to pay off student loans, clean house, work out, eat healthier, fix my car, get my license updated, pay off medical bills, and pay for the things my kids need (no, really need, not a cell phone. School lunches.) 

How can my passion cause me such heartache? How can my love make me so miserable? 


Because nobody cares. Sure, if I post a comment on Facebook "I wonder if I disappeared, would anyone notice?" I get nearly 100 responses (Out of my 698 "friends" but I digress.) But how many of them read one of my books and left a review? How many of them paid for one of my books?


I put my heart and soul into my work. I work harder at being an author than I have worked at any job, and most of my employers will tell you I was always one of the hardest workers. 


But the old adage "If you build it, they will come" is crap. As is the old adage "Hard work always pays off." 


No, it doesn't. Stop lying to people. 


Also, "What goes around, comes around." Don't buy it, people. No matter how nice you are, how much you do to try to help others, how much you share of yourself, that doesn't mean that others will do the same. 


I have given out literally thousands of books for review over the last year alone, and I have a whopping 47 reviews across all 7 books. Are you freaking kidding me? 


I have reached out to a few close people asking for help and the general response is "Well, you're in a dying industry. What do you expect?" 


I don't know what I expect. But it leaves me asking myself "What am I doing?" 


And frankly, I really don't know. Why bother writing this blog, devoting what amounts to a part time job to getting posts up when no one is reading? Why write these books, when no one is buying? 


Why keep fighting to be heard when no one is listening? 


Why would I invest any more money into cover artists and editors when no one is buying the books? 


But that's what everyone says I need to do to sell books.


That's a lie too. 


But if I'm not an author, what am I? 


I don't even know. 



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